Hi, my name is Ryan, I am 33 and this is going to be a story about my life.  I have debated doing this for a while, people will probably have opinions (and not all nice ones), but to me this isn't about wanting sympathy or anything like that, I just hope people can take something from my experiences which have taught me to appreciate our lives and what's actually important.  Growing up, until my early 20's, life was pretty normal, I was a young lad, playing football, enjoying life and healthy, then all of a sudden that was taken away, in what felt like a very short space of time... It started with bowel/ stomach problems, going to the toilet a lot and having a lot of tummy pain.  I put it off, as you do, until one night it all kicked off.  The pain was unreal and I couldn't get off the toilet with diarrhoea and passing blood.  The Doctor started to treat me for IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), but it became obvious very quickly this wasn't what I was suffering from.  After about a month during which time I lost 3 stone, tried various meds and ended up in hospital as I was getting worse and worse, they then did a camera test (colonoscopy) which showed ulcerative colitis in the large bowel.  The test didnt take long because the colon was so ulcerated and inflamed they couldn't get the camera through, but they had seen enough.  I thought great, we have break through, now they will be able to sort it and get my life back.  Little did I know what was to come...What followed was multiple courses of steroids (with all the nasty side effects) while trialling different types of meds, then reducing steroids to then see if  the meds were working, this went on for years.  Eventually, I ended up on a IV drug called infliximab which I had to have at the hospital due to it being given into a vein, but after the initial doses this appeared to be working.  It was great, I was getting my life back, and then after being on the treatment for around 10 months I suddently went into anaphylactic shock during a treatment.   I did not know much about this at the time but when I came around afterwards I came to realise this meant I would no longer be able to have this treatment and this condition was going to impact my life again, which was more concerning to me than what had actually happened.  I was then back at square 1, back on steroids and started a new self-inject medicaton called humira which I was taught to give myself at home.  This would take 3 months to get in my system and then it was time to reduce the steroids again and see how I responded.  Thankfully, this went well and worked, I managed to get some of my life back and things were ok for about a year.  However, then my body becoming resistant to the drug and it stopped working.  I ended up in hospital again and after about a month of strong dose IV steroids not touching it I had to have an emergency operation... I woke up to be told I had had my full large bowel removed and an ilieostomy stoma formed.  Suprisingly, after the operation my initial feeling was one of relief, mainly due to being in less pain instantly despite the extent of the surgery I had just been through.  The following weeks and months were a bit difficult, I felt up and down, having to adjust to a new way of going to the toilet and life in general.  But to be honest I adapted to it relatively quickly (once I got over the trial and error period of finding the right type of stoma bag and accessories) and it was on the whole ok.  18 months after this, I had then to make a choice between keeping the bag and having an operation to have my rectum removed or have an operation to have a "J-pouch" formed where the small bowel is connnected directly to the rectum in the shape of a "J" and no longer needing a bag as everything would be back inside my body.  I decided to give it a go as I was still young, wanting to play  football and hoped it would be easier then having a stoma.  Having this operation was a lot harder then the first one and took quite a bit to get over the recovery period.  I would say after getting through the 3-6 month recovery mark things started to get better.  However, I then started to get complications with the pouch becoming infected, known as pouchitis.  This is treated with antibiotics, which did work each time but the problem was it kept coming back.  This again involved a few hospital stays due to dehydration and struggling to hold my bowels.  Even when a J-pouch is working as it should, the urge to go to the toilet is a lot more than with a full bowel as well as more frequency and looser stools, so when it becomes infected its even harder.  I then got put on a medically prescribed probiotic called vsl 3 which helped and reduced the pouchitis flares from every 1-2 months, to around 6 months.  The next 18 months, apart from a few pouchitis flare ups,  were ok, I managed to stay out of Hospital and was back at work.  Little did I know then that a new horror was just about to dawn...At the start of 2023 we lost my grandad, which hit my whole family really hard, and for me personally I felt a massive hole in my life.  About a month after the funeral, I was getting pain in one of my testicles and in the shower felt something that I didn't think was right.  But, like probably most of us, I didnt really know what was normal and had never really checked myself before.  Thinking it would  probably go away, I left it a week or so, but the pain was getting worse so I took the plunge and went to see my GP.  Within a few days I had had an ultrasound and then I got the call  and the news you can never really prepare for hearing; they tell you they think you have cancer and need to book you for an operation to have it removed with in the next week.  At the time I was told it was looking like it was contained within the testicle and hopefully the operation would be the only treatment needed.  Due to my previous surgeries I wasn't too fased as this was relatively minor in comparison.  The operation was done and I was told it was a seminoma.  I then had a CT scans which was inconclusive as although my lymph nodes were enlarged they were not convinced this was due to a spread of the cancer as I was also being treated for pouchitis again at the time which could also explain this.  A further scan was done 3 months later which showed it had spread to my lymph nodes and also into my lung.  This is when the cancer really hit me and my whole world came crashing down...The prognosis is still good with testicular cancer, even once spread, and has a very successful cure rate.  The treatment plan was 3 cycles of a chemotheropy called BEP, which thy did warn me was one of the more brutal chemotherapies, but even when someone says that I dont thimk you can fully prepare or know what is coming.  Each 3 week cycle involved 3 full days of chemo on the first 3 days of week 1 followed by one day of treatment for the next 2 weeks and then start again.  The first day went ok, felt rubbish as I expected to, but then after day 2 on each cycle was when it all kicked off, feeling sick and retching constantly, unable to eat or drink anything.  Some days I was barely able to stand up and I ended up sleeping on an air bed near the bathroom because I couldn't get upstairs and felt unable to do anything.  I then also started to get really bad tinnitus and nerve damage symptoms, which I was assured were temporary and would go away after treatment finished.  On the second week of each cycle I became worse still and on every cycle I had to be admited to hospital with neutropenic sepsis, for treatment with IV antibotics each time.  In the end somehow I got to the last week of the last cycle after having sepsis again.  During this hospital admission, on the morning of the day I was due to be discharged, my heart felt painfully tight and as though it was beating fast.  On the monitor it went up to 228, this was called SVT, and after been given medications that failed to slow it down enough I had to be chemically cardio-verted (medication was given into my vein to stop and then reset my heart) with a full team of Doctors stood around me and on the second attempt this worked.  Receiving that medication is a feeling I cant describe, its like you take your last breath and cough and then wake up, it's a very overwhelming and scary feeling.  They did an ECHO (ultrasound type scan) on my heart which showed no heart issues so they decided it was likely down to sepsis or the chemotherapy.  A few days after discharge I had my last chemotherapy dose, and I got to ring the bell on the wall at the hospital to mark the end of my treatment, which felt like such a relief that I'd finally conquered the treatment despite all the complications and reached the end.  A scan was booked for 3 weeks later to see if the chemotherapy had worked and literally just 2 days before new year I received the news that it had all shrunk and they were happy that the treatment had worked as expected, I was finally heading towards an all clear.  What I felt on hearing this news was undescribable and like I don't know how I even got through it but it's done and now I can recover, move forward and start to get on with life again...On the 8th January, I went into work to discuss my return on a part-time basis to start to try and get some normality back.  However, that evening I had a weird feeling in my left arm where I couldn't control it and it was violently twitching.  Within a couple of minutes I was apparently unresponsive and frothing at the mouth, my partner had to save my life, putting me in the recovery position to stop me choking on my tongue and vomit.  I don't remember anything until I came round properly in A&E but apparently I came round in an agitated and confused state at home and was walking round screaming in pain with my back (have since found out I have a fracture in my spine).  In Hopsital I had brain scans (CT and MRI), which showed the cancer has spread to my brain causing the seizures.  I have 2 tumours, one of which is 3cm big with evidence of bleeding from it and the other one is 1 cm.  We have now been transferred to Leeds Hospital for more advanced treatments.  On the 17th of January I had my initial consultation in Leeds where I was told I would need a procedure called gamma knife radiation surgery in 2 days, then start chemo again the upcoming Monday and this time I will be admitted to a Hospital Ward to receive this rather than going home each day.  The cure rate has now gone from 90 percent to 30-40 percent, and with out treatment (which for me was an option I was seriously considering after my previous experience with chemo) I am looking at weeks to months to live.  I currently feel numb and indifferent to what happens to me and if it wasn't for the upset this is causing my family and friends I don't think I would even be trying again to get through this.  So, if you've managed to read this to the end, that is where we are at currently and I will post from here onwards as and when I am able.  If i can just make one person reconsider the way they think about life and treasure what they have, making memories with the people close to them, that is what I want to achieve.  The most important thing in the world is not the material things you have but the people around you.  Grab everything you want to do and achieve in life.  I hope reading this has not upset you as that is not my aim, but to try and have like a positive effect on the way we look at life and what really matters, always live your life, laugh and smile because you don't know when you could be told that could end...